THE ANGRY PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE

Horses were my symbol for courage, to pursue the work of my heart. Now maybe I need a fighter pilot to protect it….!

 

For some reason, I have had a lot of encounters with angry people in my life.

I used to think it was something I was doing wrong. I would try everything I could to “correct” the situation, apologize, explain, etc. And nothing ever worked, until I would finally go along until I could get away.

I realize now that’s a habit/strategy from my childhood that never worked. I had no idea how to set boundaries, stay safe, etc. (I’m getting better!)

My latest was an exchange with a former gallery manager who used to carry my work, until they had to shut down at the beginning at the pandemic. They sent me my final consignment check.

Which I set aside and forgot about, until two years later. (As in, last month.) It was a sizeable check, too, for me. Drat!!

The check was “stale”, of course, but I tried to reach out to see if they would still honor the payment with a new check. After many, many unanswered attempts, they finally wrote back.

And the resulting conversation(s) were so toxic, I couldn’t believe it.

Their first response was, “Sorry, you messed up, not me. So too bad.” I responded with, ‘okay’. I thought that was the end of it.

I then checked with a few other galleries I’ve been in/am in, and asked them what they would do if a consignee hadn’t cashed their check. I did NOT tell them I was the person who had to be notified.)

Every single one said they would reach out to the person, to make sure they’d gotten the check, to make sure they were okay, and to make sure they deposited the check.

I thought the story ended here. I didn’t hear back from this person….

Until weeks later, when they asked if I’d gotten their replacement check. Wha……??

Yes, they’d finally sent a check. Did I get it? No. Because rather than contact me, they found the address to my STUDIO on my website, and had mailed the check there. Where we can’t receive mail.

There was a terse bit of back-and-forth, and of course, more blame assigned to me. But they finally sent a second check to my home address, which I provided them. With the $30 stop-payment fee deducted. Okay….

But the card had quite the toxic message.

I had “messed up” by losing the check. (Yes, I know.)

I had “failed to provide a proper mailing address.” (Um….no. They never even told me they were sending a check, or I would have given them my home address. And they HAD my home address at some point, or I wouldn’t have gotten ANY of their consignment checks.)

They found an address on my website, but it was the wrong one. (Um…yeah. For the record, a LOT of artists who are women/women living alone/jewelers working with precious metals and gemstones, avoid giving out their home address, and yes, I have the backstories for that. My website has my STUDIO address.) (I have added my mailing address, though I still worry about visitors mistakingly coming to my HOME.)

So it was “my fault” the second check got lost, and so it was on me to pay the $30 stop-payment (for a new check I never was informed about.) Both the card and the check had a “FINAL SETTLEMENT” note on them. (Okay……)

In my research about this person, I contacted a few friends, and got confirmation this person’s ethics, processes, etc. were slightly off. It was a relief to know my suspicions were confirmed. No, this person was not playing fair….

Fortunately, I had a meet-up scheduled with a dear online friend of mine who mentors artists.  And I got clarity about what was really going on.

This artist friend and I both had a similar toxic encounter with someone similar years ago, and they came up in the conversation, too. My online friend’s insights helped me heal from that incredibly toxic encounter, they shared some of their more recent experiences, and they gave me more clarity about why/how we get caught up in these entanglements.

They said these people are someone with “The Dark Gift”:

The ability to see our tender places, and to use them to demean and destroy us.

“WE are the real thing!” they said. “And they attack us because they want what WE have. And when we don’t see our own value, we can’t see their envy. And so we tend to blame OURSELVES for their anger and agression.”

Wow. WOW. This explains soooooo much.

Another dear friend shared a similar insight years ago when I was struggling with another, very famous toxic entity. The person was so successful, and internationally-reknowned for their work. Why were they constantly trying to take me down??

This other friend shared a similar encounter they’d had, and then said, “When someone at that level tries to take you down, they have raised YOU to THEIR level.”

It was restorative, and combined with these new premises and insights, it was a (BIG) breath of fresh air. And comfort. And a huge “Aha!” moment.

Keep these words in your heart the next time someone blames you for issues they have created.

Constructive criticism can be helpful. Destructive criticism serves no purpose, except to that person with “the dark gift”.

It’s hard to recognize our value, especially at our most vulnerable, when certain people let us know they DON’T value us.

But then, those are exactly the people whose words and actions we shouldn’t take to heart. 

And now for the “if’s”….

If you know someone who might need this, pass it on!

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