If I had to choose one word that describes the last year of my life, it would be “change”.
At first I thought it was “transition”. My daughter transitioning from “single” to “engaged” and then “endangered” and now “safe.” Even “happy”. My marriage transitioning from “good” to “awful” to “problematic” to….well, “transitioning”. With glimmers of “hope” and “even better”. (I hate picking just one word.) My son from “independent” to “nearly died” and now “healing”. Oh, and even better, “OMG, has a girlfriend”. (See? I needed four words to say that.) My health transitioned from “pain” to “painfree”. My art/business from “stalled” to “energized”, my cash flow from “steady” to “nada”, but now “increasing”.
But then I realized transition is just another word for “change”. And frankly, change sucks.
Change is hard. Even when good things come of it, it’s still hard. You just get things figured out, you just find a way to get through life smoothly, everything is in its place and that’s that. And then the applecart gets upset. And you have to start all over again.
A reader posted this comment on my blog a few days ago:
I have always been fascinated by loss and “the breakdown before the breakthrough.” as it is called in certain circles.
The breakdown before the breakthrough…. That just about sums it up.
It seems I still have to learn these same lessons over and over again. So many times, the things that seem awful, or stupid, or thoughtless, are still based on good intentions. We have to learn not to assume, but to check out our assumptions.
Sometimes the things that seem problematic, turn out to be the best possible solution after all.
Sometimes, that solution is right under your nose. You just can’t see it til you’ve run through all the other possibilities. And you run through all those possibilities, considering this one, objecting to that one, despairing and lost, until your brain finally goes, “Oh. OH! Yeah, that’ll work!” And sometimes it takes a second person (oddly, who’s also the person you’re arguing with) to see the simple solution.
Sometimes you have to clear the deck (or it gets cleared FOR you) in order for something else, something better, something wonderful to get through.
Changes in marriage suck. But marriages aren’t static. They evolve. They grow. they change. Sometimes things get hard. But sometimes, they get easier, too.
Changing how many dogs are in the house is hard. The idea of managing four dogs for a few weeks seemed insurmountable. And now we find four dogs are actually easier to deal with than just one bored dog. (He’s way too busy to chew our furniture this week!)
Sometimes we lose something we think we can’t live without. And if we’re lucky, we find something even better to replace it.
So I’m sitting here writing this on a Friday morning. Today looked so awful from yesterday’s viewpoint.
And it looks so different now.
Yep. Someday I’ll be able to handle change a little bit better (I hope.) And life will truly be just a dream.
But in the meantime, I’m so grateful I have a way to think these things through–by writing in my journal. By writing a blog post. By arguing with a man who loves me better than anyone has ever loved me. Even if he does suck at negotiating sometimes.
Because he’s learning to deal with change, too, right along with me.
Change. It sucks. But then, the really good things in life are always worth a little extra effort. Or even a lot.
So often, the breakdown is never something we would willingly choose.
But the breakthrough is the blessedly shiny reward that makes it all bearable in the end.