So my post the other day on the frustration of not being accepted for who you are, and not being respected for what you know, was actually more like hurt feelings and anger.
I got that as soon as I wrote it. (That’s why I write, after all. To figure all this stuff out.)
But it felt wonderful to be able to say, “It hurts! And you were only allowed to hurt me because I trusted you! Because I thought I had something useful to share, information that could help YOU!!”
The next day came this new mantra:
Not my circus. Not my monkeys.
That’s when I realized everything that was hurting me and stressing me, were things I’d picked up. Things I wanted to fix. Things I thought I could help with. (Hell’s bells, where did my hospice training go??!!)
I had the experience, I had the knowledge, I had the training, I’d even made it through the aftermath. Surely someone might benefit from that! (After all, part of my mission is that I some share things I’ve learned the hard way, so that you don’t always have to….)
And I ended up in someone else’s circus, with someone else’s monkeys.
So what do you do when you want to be open and you want to be vulnerable, so something new can come in? But you’re also sick and tired of said heart being emotionally and spiritually trampled?
Here comes the next step in my mailbox today: “Open, gentle heart. Big fucking fence.”
Danielle LaPorte is much braver and fierce than I am. I’m in awe of her.
I see where she’s going with this, and I want to go there, too. I’m going to keep that practice, of doing the work and growing. I’ll be brave, and I’ll do the work.
But the big fence is okay, too. You don’t get in until you show me you can act respectfully of what is being given. And if you do make a mess, and don’t clean up after yourself?
well, that’s my own damn fault for believing you were who you say your are.
I wasn’t wrong for giving you the benefit of the doubt. But I will be slower about letting you in the next time, and quicker to boot you out if you fustlecate. (I just made that up.)
Just in time. Because right now things are hard. But they don’t have to be.
Let it go.
And get back out there, back into the game.
Into the big wide open adventure of my life.